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NOTE: This post interrupts the story of my Nikko trip, which will return in its regular timeslot Saturday night. Thanks!
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I was questioning whether or not to relate this story of a few weeks ago, tonight. Things happened. Things that may offend people. After speaking with Matt LaForge, frequent blog analyst, however, I feel it is my duty to present the following story, unabridged and uncensored. Please send your children to bed.
The day was doyoobi.
No wait.
The day was Saturday. Dave and myself had decided to spend the afternoon shopping in Harajuku. Harajuku, as usual, was overpriced and too trendy, although I did get a Beastie Boys mesh hat at a very reasonable price.
A call from Elijah alerted me to a 30th birthday party for his friend going on at a bar in omotesando. After a bite to eat at T.G.I.Kinyoobi’s me and Dave hit the yamanote subway line and were on our way to omotesando.
The crowd was a 30-something crowd, as Elijah himself is 30. About 10 people were there, but only 5 of them mattered: me, Dave, Elijah, Karim and Ian.
Karim was Elijah’s friend and co-conspirator on many occasions. He is the one who can bust a nut from a lap dance, and who first got in to our heads the idea of a Chinese whore.
Ian was a visitor from England. He believes all Americans are loud, obnoxious and arrogant. This is why he loves hanging out with them.
Elijah owed me a few drinks because I had hooked him up with a girl the weekend before, so I quickly downed two double 151’s and cokes in about 10 minutes. I was fucked up. Fumbling through my cell phone, I decided to call this kid Gabe, a classmate of mine. He was a little uptight and, drunk as I was, figured he might want to come hang out on a Saturday night.
This would become a move that will haunt me for years to come.
As I exited the bar, Elijah and I were discussing the better merits of Japanese women when a shout and a hand to my shoulder drew my face upwards in to Gabe’s. Gabe was dressed overly nicely, in a button down shirt with a sweater, and nice leather loafers on. He was clean shaven and had a hair cut similar to Scott Baio’s from Charles in Charge.
As we entered the train station, the head count was Elijah, Ian, Dave, myself and Gabe trailing behind. If it weren’t for the fact that everyone but him was Asian in the crowd, I might have mistaken Gabe for a student going home from a late class, on his way to dinner with his parents.
We headed out to Shibuya, where we all downed a couple of the Hubs’ 1000 yen long island iced teas. They are extremely strong and well worth the 1000 yen. This hub was particularly interesting to me because the bathroom ceiling was only about 5 foot high and, being 6 foot 2, I felt like I was on Being John Malkovich: The Ride.
We left the Hub and went to Gas Panic, the local hip hop bar in Shibuya. When we went down we realized we were the only white guys in the bar, as it was primarily black men staring us down as we entered. We quickly left Gas Panic, but Gabe stayed inside to hit on two girls, who he himself later admitted were ugly. We all thought this was strange, especially because Gabe had a girlfriend he was devoted to back home.
We thought about ditching him, but we all had to piss, so we waited around outside. One of the great things about Japan is that it is socially acceptable to urinate in the streets.
At this point it was about 2 AM. Elijah and Ian were both ready to go home, especially now that everyone was beginning to mope around, with no plans being thrown out for consideration.
This is when the night flipped turned upside down.
The second the taxi was out of sight, Gabe grabbed us and ran over to a Chinese girl, who it turned out was a whore. He told us he would try to negotiate a cheap blowjob for Dave, who never asked for a blowjob. Gabe was also learning Japanese and far from fluent, so I thought this would be quite enjoyable to watch him drunkenly try to negotiate sexual acts from a girl whose second language is also Japanese.
It was at this point in the narrative that Dave and I discover Gabe is apparently fluid in Chinese.
Not only is he fluent in Chinese, but it became immediately apparent he was also fluent in whore, because it was clearly not his first time talking to one.
After arguing and yelling at the prostitute for about 20 minutes he tells us she will let us go look at the girls for free, and see if we like any. Both Dave and I said no, that we were ok, but Gabe started insisting, so we followed. I was also a little intrigued myself, since up until this point in my life whore houses were only something in movies and Madonna music videos to me. If anything went down, I told myself, they would probably go after the guy dressed like an extra from Full House, and not the 6 foot 2 guy with muscles.
A quick walk lead us to an apartment building staircase, adorned with the message “female or shemale?” on the door. Dave read it aloud, at first to himself, but growing louder with each syllable like some twisted Sesame Street sing along.
We walked up in to a tiny Chinese room containing a large Chinese woman. Gabe started fluidly arguing with her in Chinese and the first girl picked up her cell phone and slammed the door shut, walking outside. I grabbed Dave and told Gabe “we’re leaving!” and hurriedly brushed past the girl and went to the street below, in to the comfort and safety of drunks and children posing as adults.
Immediately, Gabe begins negotiating with another Chinese hooker as me and Dave try to slip away. Why wasn’t he trying to get a blowjob for himself? Why did he want to get Dave head so badly? Who would ever ask for a “Scott Baio” at the barbershop? To this day I still don’t know the answers to any of these questions.
Gabe grabs another girl and negotiates a blowjob for dave for 5000 yen. The girl grabs Dave’s arm and pulls him across the street to a shady looking building. I tell Gabe I am going to wait outside but he stares me down and says I had better come up with him. His forcefulness gave my curiosity an excuse to beat up my integrity, and my bruised ego stumbled up the stairs.
The Chinese spilled out of Gabe again as he flooded in to the tiny door that promised ‘massages and more.’ An older man, the proprietor of the business I can only assume, yelled back and forth with Gabe. I find out that Gabe is trying to negotiate for us to stay inside the room while Dave is massaged. I walk out and Gabe reluctantly follows me in to the hallway.
I asked what he wanted to do next, and he told me he was going to try and get his new ‘friend’ to give us both free blowjobs. I told him he was insane and we were leaving as soon as Dave was done.
He was going to argue when the girl opened the door, almost as soon as we had sat down, and shouted, translated literally, “Hey guys, your friend is DONE.”10 minutes later Dave came out and we left. Dave said he had waited to have tea with the girl and talk about her school life.
I guess she wants to work in International Studies.
At this point we told gabe we were going to the manga kissa and going to bed, that was it. He sternly told us that, no, we were not and that was it. We said ok and went to a convenience store. Gabe had me hold his beer and went to the bathroom for about 10 minutes. Given his level of excitement about the prostitutes and his disposition I dare say it is not a big leap to assume what went on in that bath room at this time was not a wholesome activity.
He came out and bought a cup of sake and told us he would lead us to city bank to get money and then we could leave. Satisfied he had finally given in to my wishes, I followed him down a narrow side street. I began to realize this side street was not full of city banks, or even banks at all!
It was in fact full of strip clubs.
At this point Gabe saw me looking around and realized I knew where we were. He told me and dave he would negotiate us to get in to a strip club for 1000 yen. We said no thanks, but he told us where were going to and stopped to rapidly speak Chinese with a large man standing outside a strip club. Next to him in the dim light of an early morning Tokyo, Gabe reminded me of Martin Sheen talking to Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.
The horror. The whore.
Dave and I kept walking and turned on to the main street. We saw a bank and took out the money we needed to pay for the kissa. As we looked back we saw Gabe had not yet come out on to the main street. This was our chance. Freedom. Safety. Unlimited refills on soda.
We ran like hell itself was behind us, and we owed it money.
Inside the kissa, safely, Gabe called and I decided to pick up. I told him we were done for the night and going to bed. Gabe told me that was not alright, and that he was coming to find us.
“Where are you right now? I’m coming to get you!”
I told him we weren’t allowed to talk inside and hung up the phone.
In the next 30 minutes he called back at least 4 times, but by that point I had fallen asleep. The story was over. I was asleep and all that was left was the epilogue.
In the morning I walked to the train station alone and sat in silence all the way back to Nishi Kokubunji. I saw Dave getting in to a taxi and I yelled to him, getting inside next to him. We briefly discussed the previous nights events and agreed to never speak of them again.
As we pulled in to our dorm, I closed my eyes. In that moment I tried my hardest to imprint on my brain what it feels like to be young. To be young and have nothing else matter.
